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need people to read and critique my script in this post.help

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Joined: 14 Apr 2011
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 2:43 pm    Post subject: need people to read and critique my script in this post.help Reply with quote

i'm a young film maker seeking to do my first baman fan film or series but i would like to make it as close to perfect as far as the scrip and plot go as possible.it's taking a bit long for them to approve the short clip of the script that i've submitted, so i've decided to post it on here.please give me as much feedback as possible so that i may improve the story. the plot is that batman must face off against deathstroke for the first time after he is hired by black mask to kill the dark knight
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 2:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Shot of downtown Gotham at night. Cars ride idly by. People walk the streets at a quickened pace. A Man in dress shirt and tie, all black, walks past a bar. He stops and looks inside through the glass at the patrons. And thinks to him why he protects this city.
Bruce Narrating:
I take at least one of these walks a week. It helps remind me why I do what I do. I dress as a civilian so than I can be at my leisure. I wait until just a couple hours before I’m set to go out and patrol. I look at the people. Give them a chance to meet and greet with Bruce Wayne in an open atmosphere. The people of Gotham are good people, working class people, and intelligent givers to society. There was a time when Gotham was overrun with corruption, when the criminals and crime lords ran rampant through the city. That’s when I came in. With the assistance of Commissioner Gordon I’ve been able to help the city get back to its feet, to effectively bring Gotham back from the brink of destruction.
Ext: Walking downtown continues stroll until he reaches a neighborhood. Bruce hears his phone ring, it’s the com link set up through the bat bunker. He answers the call. It’s Harvey Dent.
Bruce (in batman voice):Dent.
Harvey: I hate to pull you away from whatever you costumed heroes due in your downtime, but I figured right about now you’d be getting ready to make your presence felt tonight anyway.
Bruce: You hear anything that I need to be notified about?
Harvey: Yes I have actually; I hear Black Mask has got some people waiting to hijack a shipment that’s waiting to be sent to Star city. It’s a bunch of equipment that’s from Queen Industries so it could be worth something.
Bruce: So it must be worth their time. I know Black mask has got to be planning something that’s going to move him from Gotham city king pin to one of the Global Criminal Powers. He wants to become the next Lex Luthor, and I’m the only person blocking all his attempted hijackings.
Harvey: You could be right, hell it’s you. Your more than likely right, I’ll have Gordon send a squad over once I hear you’ve apprehended them.
Bruce: Batman out.
Bruce checks his watch, it’s almost midnight. He pulls his phone back out and makes a call.
Bruce: Alfred, bring the car around.
Alfred: I’m on my way sir.
Ext: A black Buick pulls around to the street where Bruce is waiting. The door is opened for him
Alfred: where to sir?
Bruce: the Bunker first. I need to check my files for more information on Roman Sionis. I think that he may be the Black Mask.
Alfred: Mr.Sionis? If I do recall Master Wayne you two were friends during your younger years.
Bruce: I wouldn’t call us friends, rather just young acquaintances keeping each other company while our parents fraternized at some high end Gotham party,
Alfred: Is that really such a bad thing Master Wayne that you once had a good friend?
Bruce: I never really had the luxury of friends Alfred, not then, and not now.
Cut to a building in east Gotham, Headquarters of Black Mask.
Roman Sionis paces back and forth in his office. His secretary stands in front of his desk with a clipboard, awaiting his instructions. Roman looks through the files on his desk.
Roman: My plan was going to perfection. perfection! I had hijacked 8 shipments of electronic boards and computer tech from S.T.A.R labs, I even got Queen Industries new information from their satellites that I am planning on selling to help me move up to global crime.
Holly: so what is your problem Mr.Sionis?
Roman: My problem? My problem is that somehow, some way, that persistent son of has figured out the pattern that I’ve been hitting the shipments! I want competence! I want people to have some kind of intelligence, some kind of damn tact to their actions!
Holly: Batman must have interrogated one of our crew; he was bound to find out eventually. We just have to switch up our pattern again.
Roman: Tell the boys that after tonight we’re switching up the dates, and tell those fucks we’re sending that they cannot blow this one. He’s going to be there. I want him dead. I mean his head mounted on my wall dead. I’ve been wallowing in this city for too damn long.It's about time Black Mask made his presence felt to the world.
Roman turns away from Holly, and opens a case. Inside the case is a black skull mask made of ebony wood. He picks up the mask and begins to trace the curves around the mask with his finger. He then puts the mask on, and his demeanor turns fiercer.
Roman: It’s about time I took this city by the throat. I am going to become a global power.
Roman walks past holly and leaves the office.
Int. Harvey Dent’s Office
Harvey Dent paces back and forth in his office methodically. He’s on the phone with MCU.
Harvey: Look I don’t care if Bullocks doesn’t think the tip is for real. We need to have Gordan send a unit down to the shipyard tonight.
Jacobson (on the phone): look Mr. Dent ill make sure I talk to the Lieutenant about it but I don’t know if he’s gonna relay the message to Gordan.
Harvey: then I’ll talk to Gordan myself.
Harvey hangs up the phone. He is visibly angry at the lack of effort from GCPD. He loosens his tie a bit, turns and is startled to see the Batman in his office.
Batman: Any word from gordan?
Harvey: Nothing, the underlings won’t patch me through to him, I’m going to have to head down to the MCU myself.
Batman: I’m about to head down to the shipyard. Have Gordan send someone to keep an eye on Sionis Building downtown for anything that may look like another crew going out for a hijacking.
Harvey: I’ll get on it. Did you hear about that double homicide on the Southside?
Batman: Bodies were found in animated positions. Zsasz is responsible. It’s a priority to hunt that monster down and put him back in his cage as soon as possible.
Harvey: I’m sure you’ll have him back soon. But that hijacking should be starting in ten minutes, I’m off to the….
Harvey stops in midsentence and turns around to see that The Batman has left already. Harvey shakes his head and leaves his office.
Ext: Shipyard. Black Mask crew is approaching the yard to break in and steal the products from Queen Industries. In the shadows lies Batman, watching the approaching goons try to infiltrate the yard.
Goon 1: Give me the crow bar. Black Mask wants this done as quickly as possible.
Goon 2: Just open the thing. I know he’s out there somewhere.
Goon 1 begins prying the lock off the gate, while goons 2 and 3 begin pacing back and forth with weapons in hand keeping a lookout for any all who would oppose them. Batman decides to make his move sooner rather than later. Batman waits until Goon 2 paces right in front of the shadow where he lies in wait, then quickly disarms him by grabbing his gun wielding arm and forcing it upward, kicking out his knee, then kneeing him in the face. This alerts the other two henchmen, goon 3 turns around with weapon held high but sees nothing but his defeated friend lying unconscious. Goon 1 has dropped the crowbar and draws his weapon as well.
Goon 1: where the did he go?
Goon 3: how the should I know, he left this fucker lying (points at defeated henchmen) and pulled that disappearing .
Goon 1: go that way (points to the right) look for his ass; I’ll keep prying the lock.
Goon 3: you really think that’s a good idea?
Goon 1: if we don’t get in there and grab that shipment, we’re dead anyway.
Goon 3 starts to move into the shadows, he creeps slowly hoping to somehow surprise an unsuspecting Batman. Batman quickly leaps out of the shadows and puts the goon in a dragon sleeper until he passes out. Goon 1 has just about got the lock open when he sees a shadow behind him. He swings the crowbar but it’s caught and snatched away by the batman who uses it to incapacitate the Goon.
A few minutes later the goon is awakened by water thrown on him.
Batman: Where’s Black mask?
Goon 1: I don’t know man, just turn me in. c’mon ill just do the time just turn me in.
Batman: No. You don’t get off that easily. Now tell me what I want to know.
Goon 1: he never tells us where he’s staying, he moves his HQ as soon as he sends us out on a mission.
Batman: if you don’t give me some piece of tangible information, then me knocking you out will be the least painful activity that you engage in tonight.
Goon 1: ok i….i know he’s planning on hiring someone to help watch over the hijackings. I don’t know who but he’s been talking about it. And he’s the one who broke Zsasz out of Arkham.
Batman: Tell what you told me to the Commissioner when the police arrive. I’ll know if you do and if you don’t I’ll make sure I pay you a visit before they cart you off to Blackgate.
Batman ties up the 3 henchmen and leaves the scene quickly.
Int: Bruce Wayne’s Penthouse Living room
Bruce Wayne sits in his living room on his personal laptop watching the latest edition of GCN. Gotham News anchor Vicky Vale has begun the latest telecast.
Vicky: Good evening. Our top story is coming from recent reports that the infamous gang known as the False Faces have once again been sighted running rampant in Gotham. Recently three of them were apprehended by GCPD trying to break into a shipyard that was holding Queen Industries tech that is to be shipped to Star City. District Attorney Harvey Dent is quoted saying that “We’ve made great strides to figure out just who the black mask is and crippling his empire.” The question concerned citizens are asking is this really the case? Or are these merely words said to console citizens during these recent hijackings. On top of that, reports are in that a young couple visiting from metropolis was recently murdered in a hotel in downtown Gotham. All details at the crime scene point to it possibly being the work of notorious serial killer Victor Zsasz.
Bruce sits stoic in on his couch, in his mind he rifles through the details he and Harvey discussed. He looks at his clock. It’s almost 4 a.m. Bruce grabs his cowl and gets ready to leave once again.
A young girl is walking home from a party late at night through a Gotham suburb trailer park. She is a bit intoxicated and is slightly wary of her surroundings. In the shadows behind one of the trailers lies Victor Zsasz stalking the young girl as if he was a lion and she a gazelle.
Zsasz: Oh how pretty she is, how lovely she is. I bet her blood will feel sooo warm as it flows from her throat.
Victor is shirtless and brandishing a short and extremely bloody knife. He creeps until he is walking stride for stride behind her, and yet the girl still has yet to sense his presence. Victor seizes the girl by the back of her neck and throws her into a nearby mailbox. The girl crumples and lies in pain. She starts to get up and run but a swift kick to the head puts her back down. Zsasz then puts a foot on her chest and begins to taunt the girl.
Zsasz: I wonder what playful position I’ll put you in after I’m done gutting you, maybe that of an angel that slowly descended from heaven. But one thing is for sure, I know the sound of your screams will bring the batman, and I’m saving a special space for his death.
Zsasz raises his knife in an act to plunge it into the young girl’s abdomen when he’s grabbed by the wrist. He turns to see none other than the Batman.
Batman: I’ve been looking for you Victor. You should be getting the death penalty, I’ll see to it that you do.
Batman delivers a kick to Zsasz face then helps the young girl up. She is clearly distraught at what has just transpired.
Young girl: Thank you.
Batman: Run.
The girl turns and runs up the street. Batman turns around to Zsasz slashing at him. He catches Batman across the chest. Batman looks down at the cut and realizes it’s only superficial. Zsasz slashes again but this time batman is ready. He sidesteps the swing and once again grabs victor’s wrist. Batman delivers an elbow to the ribs then an uppercut to subdue Zsasz. Zsasz is stunned but only momentarily, as he drops his knife but ducks another punch by Batman, gets behind him and begins to attempt to choke him out. Batman reaches back and grabs Zsasz by the head and flips him over. He begins to beat him until he’s close to unconscious.
Batman: Don’t pass out yet you damn animal. You’re going to tell me what I want to know. Why did Black Mask break you out of Arkham?
Zsasz: Isn’t it obvious oh great detective? I was keeping you busy. Black Mask sent a whole brigade of false faces to the Gotham city branch of S.T.A.R Labs. They just got a new shipment of weaponry made with help from Lex Luthor himself. Looks like you’re gonna have ya hands full huh Bats?
Batman drops Zsasz in disgust and patches through to a GCPD dispatcher. He alerts the dispatcher that Zsasz has been apprehended and quickly disappears into the night.
Fade out
Following Morning Into: Roman Sionis Bedroom
Roman paces back and forth in his quarters, awaiting a phone call about last night’s events. The phone rings and he answers over aggressively.
Roman: Somebody better be given me good news.
Roman sits and listens intently to what’s being said on the other end of the call. He clearly becomes enraged by what he’s hearing.
Roman: So you’re telling me that once again, my crew has managed to get caught by batman and those shipments from queen industries are not stored in one of my warehouses right now. ARRGHHH!
Roman throws the phone across the room into a wall; he is breathing heavily and is completely unaware of his surroundings. Holly strides into Roman’s room in a confident manner, and puts a hand on his shoulder.
Holly: Maybe we are taking the wrong approach to this whole Batman problem. Batman is an entity that places fear in criminals. He’s an urban legend to those who have never seen him.
Roman: (brushes her hand off his shoulder) what’s the point of all this holly?
Holly: My point is that, well I hate to use a cliché but we should fight fire with fire. I think it’s time we hired someone from outside of Gotham to take care of Batman.
Roman: and who do you suppose we get to do that? Deadshot? Batman’s wiped the floor with Floyd on more than one occasion.
Holly: No, I was thinking more along the lines of the world’s greatest assassin.
Roman: You’re talking about Slade Wilson?
Holly: Indeed I am, and mind you he won’t come cheap. But a rid the city of Batman and the opportunities are limitless.
Roman: Set up a meeting with him. Tell him if he’s busy, I’ll pay him whatever it will take to get him here just to hear my offer.
Holly: it’s as good as done.
Cut to Harvey Dent’s office
Harvey is sitting in his office reviewing the reports on the Zsasz arrest from the previous night. He is getting ready to make a call when there’s a knock on his door. Harvey looks up to see none other than Bruce Wayne.
Bruce: Hard at work putting criminals in their place eh Harv?
Harvey: we can’t all spend our days golfing and our nights chasing supermodels Bruce.
Bruce shakes hands with Harvey, and then takes a seat across from him.
Bruce: so how you been? With Zsasz roaming the streets up until last night and those false faces hijacking all that equipment. Not to mention all the recent uproar over you and GCPD finding out just who the Black Mask is. You got yourself a full plate Harvey.
Harvey: Well it is Gotham, and I never expected an easy ride when I took this job.
Bruce: I just don’t want to see this job turn you inside out. This city has a way of doing that to good people.
Harvey: Don’t worry; when it’s all said and done, I think I’m going to come out of this unscathed, it just takes some hard work and perseverance.
Bruce: I’ll take your word for it. Well I just wanted to stop by and check up on you, I better get going though.
Harvey: Leaving so soon? I thought maybe we can grab lunch downtown.
Bruce: Well like you said, I spend all day golfing. Me and the Mayor are about to go 18 holes.
Bruce leaves his seat, gives his friend good bye, and leaves the office.
Cut to Playground.
Its Night time and Almost 1 in the morning. Black Mask, Holly, and 3 false faces are waiting for someone.
Black Mask: How much longer is he going to make us wait? I got other plans god damn it.
Holly: Look these things take time, maybe he’s got a few hits to carry out before he gets here.
Black Mask: For the money I’m spending, he better be even better than advertised.
False Face 1 turns his head slightly and is instantly felled by a bullet to the brain. The other two false faces go to check on him, when suddenly a figure drops from the shadows. False face 2 raises his weapon but is quickly felled by three quick and precise swords slashes. The 3rd false face takes one step and freezes instantly. He looks down and sees that he’s been stabbed in the abdomen. The false face crumples and the shadowy figure steps into the light. He wields a katana and a short knife, this is the man they call DeathStroke.
Black Mask: Nice Entrance Wilson
DeathStroke: Do not call me by my civilian name.
Black Mask: fine, have it your way. I’m sure Holly has briefed you on what I need done.
DeathStroke: she skimmed over the where and why but gave me the gist of it. You need Batman dead, and I’m here to do it.
Black Mask: Exactly.
DeathStroke: and you’ll be paying me the price I gave you?
Black Mask: I’ll even throw in a bonus
DeathStroke: then we have a deal, Batman’s life for my money and we both go our separate ways. By the way, you need new men because these guys are just too sloppy.
DeathStroke shrinks into the shadows, leaving Black Mask and Holly alone at the deserted park.
Fade out
Cut to a trailer. Ext
Bruce narrating:
My recent interrogations down in Gotham’s east end have led me to a house party in the same suburban trailer park where Zsasz attempted to take the life of a young girl. I’m here because word on the street is that Black Mask is looking to do more than expand his operations. He’s been buying up mounds of c4 from some of the biggest explosives dealers in Gotham. One of them just happens to be at this small house party. It’s pretty low key for someone who just made 200,000 dollars, but that makes no difference. What I want to know is why does Black mask need all this c4, what’s he planning outside of what I’ve already pieced together, and how I can stop it.
Batman creeps around to the back of the trailer where he sees a side window. He quickly pries open the window and slips inside.
Cut to Into: living room
Strobe lights flash while music plays. The party has the feel of a big time rave but not too many are here. A joint is passed around while a couple of people dance. Suddenly the TV, strobe lights, and music all shut off. Then the lights in the living room flash on, but something is now different. The batman is standing in the middle of the room, glaring at all who oppose him.
Batman: Where’s Ballinger?
Suddenly a man swings at Batman, but his blow is easily blocked. Batman turns swiftly and delivers a kick to the man’s midsection, then backhands him with a fist. Another man attempts to confront the batman, kicking at him. But Batman grabs the man’s leg, kicks out his other one, kneels down and delivers a knockout blow to the helpless attacker. 2 more come at batman, but he’s prepared. He knees one in the stomach, turns and sends two body blows and an uppercut to the one behind him. The first doubles over in pain, and batman takes the opportunity to elbow him in the back if the head. With him rendered unconscious, batman focuses on the last attacker. Batman grabs his head and slams it into a table twice then then gives him a double knee combination.
Batman: I’ll ask again. Where’s Ballinger?
A somewhat obese man steps out of a connecting room, he and Batman size each other up. Batman Strikes first, delivering to kicks and a back elbow to the man’s midsection. The man than recoils, but seizes Batman by the neck and throws him into a wall. The man begins to strangle batman, but the batman quickly drops down out of the man’s grip and kicks the back of his knee. The man falls to one knee, turns and see’s two fist connect with his jaw. Then batman delivers a kick to the back of the man’s head, and the fight is done.
Batman: I’ve been looking for you Mark. Why did black mask buy all that c4 from you?
Ballinger: look he was looking so I sold it to him. I don’t know anything, I swear to god.
Batman: lie to me one more time, and I’ll drag you to the top of the highest building in Gotham, and make sure you fall from it.
Ballinger: ok, Black mask knows you and dent are on to him, and he’s tired of wallowing in Gotham. He plans on Blowing up the whole city once he finishes selling what he’s got so far from S.T.A.R labs and Queen Industries.
Batman: and why did he feel the need to tell you all this?
Ballinger: me and the Mask are tight. I use to do low pay jobs for him when he was first getting big.
Batman drops Ballinger and exits the house.
Cut to Harvey Dents bedroom
Harvey is pacing back and forth after now being able to sleep. He turns on the TV and flips through the channels. Suddenly he hears his bedroom door open and a voice behind him.
Black Mask: you having fun Mr. Dent?
Harvey is shocked to see the very crime kingpin he’s been trying to bring to justice in his very home.
Harvey: How did you get in here? Why are you here?
Black mask: Harvey you ask so many questions, I would have never thought you so inquisitive. Well you are Gotham’s white knight so I guess I should expect no less.
Harvey stands up and begins to reach for a weapon when black mask quickly pulls a gun.
Black Mask: No none of that Harvey, you’re going to sit here and listen to why I’m doing what I’m doing.
Harvey drops the weapon in hand, and slowly takes a seat on his couch.
Black mask: good, now that I have your attention, let the presentation begin.
Black Mask walks in front of Harvey’s TV and looks at the handgun he holds.
Black Mask: see Harvey, I have taken this city by the throat within the last month alone. I own the drug trade, prostitution, smuggling rings, what I’m saying is basically if you can make an illegal profit off it I run it. But see you know all that don’t ya harv? The golden boy they call you, Mr. Apollo himself and his freak of a best friend who only comes out at night know all about the Black Mask. But yet at the same time…..you don’t.
Harvey: I know you have a worst god complex then Maxie Zeus, and I know that I’ve got almost enough evidence to make sure you spend the rest of your life in Black gate.
Black mask: see that’s cute Harvey. You just assume everything. No you don’t know me, and as far as I’m concerned, you don’t know what exactly my true motives are. See I’m a small step away from becoming a global criminal threat. The only people standing in my way are you, and Batman. Now I’ve got Batman covered, it’s you that I’m going to take care of personally.
Harvey: what’s your end game? What is in all this for you?
Black mask: Patience Harvey. We’ll get there in time. See I’ve been buying up more than enough c4 because I’m going to blow this city apart, then sell everything I’ve stolen so far from S.T.A.R labs and Queen industries to buy my way into the upper echelon of criminal royalty. People will forget about Carmine Falcone, or Lex Luthor. It will only be Black Mask.
Black Mask presses the handgun to the temple of Harvey’s head; he leans in close and stares at him.
Black Mask: Now you want to know my endgame? It’s simple. My whole life I had an ideal I held on to. Some called it a radical notion, but all I wanted was respect. I went through live being the person that everyone looked down on, until I became the Black Mask and my whole motivation in life twisted. I want more than just respect. I want fear, and I want everyone in this city to know that it doesn’t belong to you, or the batman. It belongs to Black mask.
Black Mask pulls the gun away from Harvey, but then uses the butt of it to knock him unconscious.
Fade out
Bruce Narrating:
After my talks with Ballinger, I knew there was one more place I could look for information black mask. A couple of his false faces have been identified, and using the addresses from their information, I visit each of their homes. The first 3 yield poor results, but it appears the fourth is what I’ve been looking for. I reach an old abandoned train on the outskirts of Gotham’s east end. It’s obvious the train was recently taken for whatever it was carrying. I examine the train further, and notice the Lexcorp logo. Seems Black mask is getting quite brave, stealing from Luthor can get you killed….or worst.
Batman: Alfred, patch into the Lexcorp shipment schedule and see what was on train 7890.
DeathStroke: Well if it isn’t the world’s greatest detective. Black Mask was right; this is the place to find you.
Batman: Death Stroke, The world’s greatest assassin. I figured I’d cross paths with you eventually. Scum like you always try to take up hits on me.
DeathStroke: Well Batman to be honest, this job wasn’t about the money. It was about the chance to test myself against the man who I believe has to be the only person capable of challenging me. God I’ve waited for this.
Batman: you have some sick delusion of grandeur floating around in the skull of yours Wilson?
DeathStroke: How do you know….?
Batman: World’s greatest detective, remember?
Deathstroke: well I see the great detective skills of the mythical batman are more than just legend, how about those fighting skills everyone hears so much about?
Batman: is that what I am for you? A challenge that you haven’t conquered? You think you can come into My city, and play games?
Deathstroke: No I plan on taking your place atop the food chain in this city. The man that killed Batman. Yeah I like the sound of that.
Deathstroke pulls out a katana and begins to attack the dark knight. Batman manages to dodge each swing but deathstroke catches him with a kick to the gut. Deathstroke swings the blade down but his attack is parried by batman, who’s now two Batarangs with serrated edges.
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